Letters Never Sent
by pookakitten
Summary: ME2.  Though she never intends to send them, Moira Shepard writes letters to Kaidan.
1. Lazarus Station

Disclaimer: I don't own anything from the Mass Effect imagination. I'm just borrowing.

Author's Note: This is my "canon" Shepard, female paragon/colonist/war hero/sentinel who romanced Kaidan.

* * *

Entered on Savant omni-tool  
Date: xx/xx/2185  
Subject: Lazarus Station

Kaidan, the omni-tool says it's 2185, but I don't remember the rest of 2183 and all of 2184. Instead, I wake up naked in a medical bay with alarms screaming and a voice telling me to move. I put on my armor and grab a gun, only to find it all wrong. I don't remember thermal clips. New mechs attack me—almost no people on the station. I find out I'm on a Cerberus station. Cerberus? They have their own stations? Were the Alliance and Citadel intelligence agencies asleep on the job? It's even older than I thought—not just military R&D falling off the grid. I'm headed to meet with their leader, a guy known only as the Illusive Man.

On the station, I found excerpts of records recording my "rebirth." Apparently they spent 4 billion credits bringing me back from the dead. I could start settling a planet for that much money. Hell, I could buy half of Mindoir for that much money. It seems the project leader, Miranda Lawson, was betrayed by her chief medtech, a man named Wilson. What's wrong with me, that I was happy when Lawson killed him? That I wanted to do it when I saw him?

Human colonies are disappearing. It makes no sense that Cerberus is the only one who cares. I knew the Alliance and Citadel Council are a bunch of bureaucrats, but they don't bother sending investigation teams? And I'm told that nobody believes that Sovereign was a Reaper, just some sort of geth prototype. I hope that Anderson in on the Council, but I'm not holding my breath.

Kaidan, I know you won't get these messages, but I need to tell someone. From the beginning, you were the sane voice on the _Normandy_. It hurts to know the last thing you heard from me was me yelling at you to follow my orders. No "be careful" or "see you on the other side." I know we never had time to figure out what we were, but I wish I said something else. We never used the word "love" though I could read between the lines to know that's what you felt. I can't say I know what I felt, other than you were important to me. Are important to me. Until the attack, the only leave time consisted of being in the hospital. I hurt too much to think and then we were sent out after geth so there was no time to think. No time to think now, and I doubt anyone will let me get in touch with you on the Alliance side, now that Cerberus is in my life.

Moira


	2. Freedom's Progress

Video message recorded 0700 on _Normandy SR-2_

Date: xx/xx/2185

I just got back from meeting with the Illusive Man. He is such a coward that he won't meet with me in person. Probably for the best. He told me you're alive, but that your record is "surprisingly classified," and you got promoted to Staff Commander. You deserve it – you're one of the best officers I've worked with. I take "surprisingly classified" as meaning either he can't get the information or he won't tell me. Probably the later - he wouldn't want me to have you for support.

I debriefed with him after Freedom's Progress. That's the latest colony to go missing. I went there with Miranda Lawson and Jacob Taylor. Taylor reminds me of you, at least a little. He has the same calmness as you but I don't see your initiative in him. He lets Lawson speak for him and won't challenge my orders and assumptions. I can at least trust his words to be the truth - he told me that Cerberus brought me back and he doesn't trust them but at least they're doing something, unlike the Alliance. I can see his point, even if I don't agree with his choices.

Miranda Lawson, I can't decide what to think about her. She'd probably be a sentinel like us if she enlisted. She's a genius - she somehow managed to bring me back from the dead, after all. On top of that, she's deadly in a fight. On the other hand, she wanted a control chip in my brain but was overruled. I need to have Dr. Chakwas check that out herself. Tell you more about that later. She tries to tell me what to do and most of the time it makes sense. She still needs to prove herself to me.

About Freedom's Progress. Taylor was right, it was like everyone got up and left in the middle of dinner. It was unnerving, seeing a colony hit like that. I kept expecting to see bodies, like on Mindoir. Where was evidence of gun fire, or even thrown dishes? The only survivor we found was a quarian on Pilgrimage. Why wasn't there any volus or any other species? Even on Mindoir we had a few volus businessmen. Are all the Terminus colonies that xenophobic? The quarian pieced security footage together, even delirious. Why is it I always have quarians giving me evidence I need? First Tali, now Veetor.

Speaking of Tali, she was on Freedom's Progress, tracking down Veetor. We almost got killed by her escort when he saw the insignia on Lawson and Taylor. It seems that Cerberus attacked the Flotilla though Lawson "wouldn't describe it that way." I believe Tali over Lawson any day. Wish I could find out more, but Tali has her responsibilities. I overruled Lawson and let Tali take Veetor with her. The Illusive Man seemed surprised they gave us the data. What do you expect when you go in with commandos?

Forgot to tell you who the abductors were. It was some species that reminded me of insects called the Collectors. The worst part? The Illusive Man suspected as much, and didn't tell me. The bastard! Missing intel can be the difference between success and failure. If we knew about the geth, maybe Jenkins would have survived. I know, hindsight is 20-20 but it still hurts. I can't trust him to tell me anything and I doubt the Council or Alliance will help me now. Damn.

He talks of "someone I can trust" and then Joker walks in. Joker is not on the short list of people I wanted to see—the idiot is the reason I'm here in Cerberus' clutches. If he evacuated like he was supposed to, I wouldn't have died. I told him that if he ignores my orders, I'm not coming for him. Let him die. Still, he's the best pilot in the business, so I shouldn't complain.

Then Joker showed me my ship. A newer, bigger _Normandy_. She's beautiful. Dr. Chakwas followed Joker here but she made it clear, "I work for you Shepard." I wanted to ask her if she kept in touch with you, but it hurt too much to ask. I don't want to know. Have you moved on without me? The possibility bothers me more than I thought it would. Right now, it's easier not to know.

Cerberus is so desperate, there's an AI on the _Normandy_. The crew calls her EDI and I don't know what to think. We're taught AIs are bad and will come back to bite us in the ass, but I need every advantage I can find. Joker's threatened to get a solder gun from engineering if she gets out of line. She's already a she, an entity in her own right. What is wrong with me? I should know better than that.

I need to make my rounds of the crew, but not today. I'm going down to the armory to get a spare tech armor unit. I can't wait to tear it apart and see how it works and how to improve it. We always did that with new equipment, didn't we?

Moira


	3. Citadel

Video message recorded 2314 on _Normandy SR-2_

Date: xx/xx/2185

Damn, the Council was a bust, Kaidan. They refused to listen, and even claimed that Sovereign was a geth ship, some sort of prototype! Half a Reaper scattered over the Citadel wasn't enough evidence. Makes me wish I held Fifth Fleet back. Problem is, a new Council could have been even worse. I at least knew to expect this stupidity after my experiences two years ago. It doesn't feel like two years ago to me. Not one bit, but everyone looks older, especially Captain Anderson. I know, I know, he's Councilor now, but looking at him, maybe I shouldn't have put him there. But what choice did I have? Udina is even worse—a bureaucrat masquerading as a diplomat. The captain said he wishes a previous ambassador was still alive, but she's been dead for 15 years. She's the one who was responsible for getting him the chance to be a Spectre candidate. Imagine how much our situation could've been different if Saren didn't sabotage him. Wish I had the complete story.

The Council reinstated me as a Spectre but I don't have teeth. My orders are to stay in the Terminus systems or they'll deny everything. I deserve more for saving their scaly asses. Can't speak for turian and salarian asses, but I don't think asari have scaly asses. Never paid too much attention in the shower with Liara. Never been a voyeur, other than with you. Don't worry, I never lurked in the men's showers. You and I were magic. In a fight you were always where I needed you without a word or hand signal. Never had that kind of rapport with anyone.

Even worse, Anderson wouldn't tell me where you are because of Cerberus. Damn them. It's not like I want to be here, stuck between a rock and a hard place. I need their resources since Anderson hinted to stay away from the Alliance and the Council is worse than useless. They won't even give me access to intel that is available to the Spectres. Even if I could contact you, I can't decide if I would. It's easier not to think about it and trust you're fine.

Did you know someone left pictures from the first _Normandy_ in my quarters? Appeared while I was on the Citadel. I suspect Joker did it, trying in his way to say he's sorry. My favorite one is of you. I think it was taken when you were taking an old omni-tool apart.

Ran into an old _friend_ on the Wards. It's that reporter that ambushed us in C-Sec Academy that twisted everything I said. I so wanted to punch her for belittling Fifth Fleet's losses. I did my best to take the higher road. I heard the final story—she sounded like a fool. I probably should take Emily Wong up on her offer of an interview but anything I say about the Council would make me sound like a sore loser and lose what scraps they tossed me. I'll probably find some info I can slip her.

The people on the Wards show me why I put up with this shit. It's the krogan that remembers Wrex on the Presidium and wants to know whether there are fish in the Presidium lakes that remind me life goes on. He's one of the reasons I'm fighting. Listening to him, Wrex being on the Presidium with us has become an urban legend. I don't have the heart to tell him there are no fish. I told him the truth—better to be disappointed now and not later. I say that yet won't try harder to find you. Does that make me a hypocrite?

Why can't the Council and Alliance see that I'd leave Cerberus in a heartbeat? I'd give them the thing in our communication systems that is tied to the Illusive Man's location. Hand it over to the scientists with a huge bow on it. Give them Lawson to interrogate—she's a cell leader, after all. She probably knows all sorts of secrets they don't want to see the light of day.

If I could have anything, I'd ask to have you here. I need your calm. So much is spinning out of my control that up seems down. How do I know what's right when surrounded by such wrong?

Moira


	4. The Professor

Message recorded on _Normandy SR-2_

Date: xx/xx/2185

Remember how we saw the Citadel the first time? What a huge mish-mash of species and cultures? Omega is that, even further. Even worse, it's as close to hell as I've seen in a specific place. It's a dank, rotting corpse ruled by an asari whose only rule is "don't fuck with Aria." There's no law, only might makes right. Mercenaries run the station and everyone else cowers in fear. I couldn't get off that rock fast enough. I couldn't stay there a moment longer. I have to go back—one of my squad possibilities is a turian known only as Archangel.

I picked up a mercenary there by the name of Zaeed Massani. Toughest son of a bitch I've met. Survived a shot to the face twenty years back from his partner, Vido Santiago. Familiar with who's who in the mercenary companies, Kaidan? Yes, Santiago is the head of the Blue Suns. I agreed to help Massani take him out. Yet another item in my to-do list: Kick Collector asses into next week, kill a mercenary captain. Oh, and help a thief get back a greybox. Forgot to tell you about Kasumi Goto. Seems she's the best thief that no one's heard of. Picked her up on the Citadel.

Why was I on Omega? In search of some salarian scientist by the name Mordin Solus. First decent person I've come across in this hellhole. Opened a free clinic in the slums of Omega. With the plague, it's turned into a warzone with the vorcha and Blue Suns. Massani was happy to hear the Blue Suns were losing turf. I brought him along since he knows Omega better than I do and Lawson since she's so versatile. I also want to keep Lawson where I can see her. The district is in shambles—looters, bodies burning in the streets. People locked into their homes to die.

Solus is this hyper salarian, but aren't all of them hyper? He's former STG but for the life of me, I can't figure out in what way. He can keep track of all sorts of species and what drugs to give them. He'd be wasted in surveillance. He still has connections—he identified Cerberus immediately and knows who the Illusive Man is, at least in name. He must have eyes only clearance. Wonder if he will send some of that intel my way. Even better, he knew about the Collectors. Turns out the bugs are responsible for the plague. Kills everyone but humans and vorcha. Vorcha are even more resilient than cockroaches on Earth. They're working for the Collectors by distributing the plague. Can't tell if it's isolated to them or all the vorcha. Probably isolated. I hate operating in an information vacuum. Damn everyone. The Alliance and Citadel won't help and I can't trust what I get through Cerberus. Before we could take Solus back with us, we had to distribute the cure. I like him already. Never leave a job half done. Now I wish he'd just shut up. He says every thought out loud and it seems the only person who can keep up is Lawson.

I can't figure out the crew—they all seem so innocent. The two head engineers don't even seem to understand that Cerberus is a bunch of terrorists. They left the Alliance in disgust when the Reapers were swept under the rug. They were at the Battle of the Citadel and saw Sovereign themselves. Everyone seems to be here because of me and discounts how evil Cerberus is.

I've started to make contingency plans to break away from Cerberus. The crew probably would follow me. The only sticking point is Lawson. She's dedicated to Cerberus, heart and soul. I can still hear you telling me to leave myself a way out. What way out do I have from this mess?

Moira


	5. The Warlord

Video message recorded 0126 on _Normandy SR-2_

Date: xx/xx/2185

Korlus was a step up from Omega, even if it is advertised as "the recycling center of the galaxy." Place is a mess of run down ships in various states of disassembly with Blue Suns mercs around every corner. Not a place I'd choose to spend my shore leave at.

We were here to recruit the next person, a krogan warlord named Okeer. Seems Wrex was wrong—krogan scientists do exist. Found out Wrex is now the leader of several clans on Tuchanka. When we last spoke, he had given up on trying to save the krogan but now he's their leader? I can't wrap my head around it. Just one more sign of the time I've lost.

Back to Okeer. The Illusive Man gave us his shoddy intelligence so we don't even know what kind of situation we're walking into. Is he trying to get me killed? I hoped it was a simple pick up mission but that was just a pipe dream. Instead we have to infiltrate a base held by the Blue Suns while fighting off tank bred krogan. Just add a warhead and a crazy turian and you have Virmire. Ran into an old friend from Virmire. Remember the asari scientist, Thanopolis? She was doing some sort of work for Okeer involving imprinting. Solus understood what she was talking about, asking some questions. He said something along the lines of "imprinting will not work. Krogan do not imprint like salarians." Way over my head. Solus was right in the end—Grunt only "took" to the imprints in part. I'll get to Grunt in a minute, Kaidan.

So instead of a crazy turian we have a power hungry merc using Okeer's research to create cheap soldiers. She took Okeer's rejects. Okeer was only interested in creating the "perfect" krogan. At least he was happy with us blowing Saren's base on Virmire to hell. Never thought I'd hear a krogan praising me for that—I made the only possible call, even if it meant sacrificing Ash. Why does it get harder the more people who die instead of easier, Kaidan? Why?

Okeer's view was the genophage selected for the wrong things, weakening the krogan as a whole. Saw something in Solus I can't quite pin down when speaking to the krogan. Jedore, the would be queen of this dump, decided to flush us out by threatening Okeer's wonder baby. Of course, we had to kill her. We rushed back to Okeer, but he was dead so we took the canned krogan with us. Wish Okeer hadn't died—he had contact with the Collectors since he incorporated their tech to make his perfect krogan. At the least the intelligence might have been useful though I can't decide if I would work with someone who probably sold people like we sold pigs on the colony. Before working with Cerberus I probably would have killed him, but now? Is information more important than morals for me now?

Lawson was surprisingly effective at taking out the YMIR mech. That's the big one with the gatling guns. EDI told me the names of all the new mechs Hahne-Kedar make are from Norse mythology. I first brought Lawson with me to keep an eye on her, but she is proving to be a very versatile member of the ground team. Put Solus through his paces. Proved he could hold his own and his incinerate tech is impressive. Pity my omni-tool does not have capacity for any more tech modules.

As to our newest crew member, I let him out of the pod. EDI stated he appeared to be healthy and had genophage markers in his DNA. He took the name Grunt. I suggested Legacy and Okeer but they didn't resonate with him. Working with Wrex gave me an understanding of krogan psychology. Never show weakness and offer a good fight. Grunt accepted the Collectors as a worthy adversary. It was a gamble, letting him out. I couldn't give him over to Cerberus for their scientists to examine or I'd be no better than the Collectors. I know that much to be true. I should probably contact Wrex so I know what to expect from a young krogan.

Spending time with the crew has been of interest. Engineering wants some parts that were overlooked when making the new _Normandy_. I promised to find some Serrice Ice brandy for Dr. Chakwas. I never saw that side of her. I hope we can have a drink on Armistice Day in memory of Ashley. The crew complains about Gardner's cooking but I think he does quite well with military rations. Better than I can, at least. I'll look out for better rations. A happy crew is a good crew. Solus has gone over the medical and dental records of the Cerberus members with Dr. Chakwas' help. They found cyanide capsules in their teeth. I wonder if the capsules were inserted without knowledge or consent. Over Lawson's protests, I ordered Dr. Chakwas to remove the suicide pills. I can't know that Cerberus has a way to activate them remotely if I cut the strings. I made sure to tell Solus he can't replace the cyanide pills with his optical flash bangs, even if they are harder to remove. Thankfully, he didn't tell me how they work. He has a penchant for sharing too much.

What I miss most about you is you never expected me to have all the answers. All of my subordinates and many of my superiors expected so much of me. I'm the hero Shepard. I have the Star of Terra so there are few better or smarter than me. You saw how Jenkins put me on a pedestal. Maybe if I wasn't larger than life he wouldn't have rushed in. The what-ifs haunt me every night. It's even worse with the Cerberus crew—they expect me to save all the colonies without breaking a sweat. What if I fail? Each colony lost… Will there be a point that they lose faith in me? What will happen then? The thing I remember most about the night before Ilos was you acknowledged we might fail but you accepted it. When you looked at me, you saw Moira Shepard the person, not Commander Shepard the miracle worker. I could live in the moment and forget about tomorrow that night. I couldn't do that with anyone and I'm scared to do it now. I can't have doubts here, can't show them, but they surround me. Did I lose something when I died? Am I the person I was before? You said you believed I was right, when the _Normandy_ was locked out and that's why you were there. Or was that right before Ilos? Would you be here with me now if you could? Am I doing the right thing? I can't even decide if I'm making sense to myself now.

Moira


	6. Subject Zero

Video message recorded 1406 on _Normandy SR-2_  
Date: xx/xx/2185

Kaidan,

Purgatory. Name of a penal ship where our next target was held. Blue Suns again. How many stars are blue? Enough to justify the name? Is Purgatory where you go if you're not good enough for heaven or not bad enough for hell? Or is that Limbo? I slept through that class.

The dossier described the target as a "powerful biotic." The turian Warden called the target "Jack" so of course I assumed it was a man. Imagine my surprise when it was a small, heavily tattooed woman tearing several YMIR mechs apart. This is right after being thawed from cryogenic suspension. Of course, she took advantage of the fact we were creating chaos of our own. The warden wanted to sell me because I'd net him more than what Cerberus was spending on Jack. I don't know how many prisoners died as a result of the firefight, and I don't even know if they deserved this. One guard tried to tell me the prisoner deserved beatings because he did worse to his victims, but that's probably self-justification. Does that make the guards as bad as the prisoners?

Yet again, Cerberus screwed the pooch when it comes to intel. It would have been nice if I knew Jack had been one of their test subjects. If I knew, would have left Lawson behind. Maybe not—I did show Lawson I'm the one in charge by giving Jack access to the Cerberus databases. Jack called Lawson a "Cerberus cheerleader." I'll have to remember that one.

In addition to Lawson, I brought Grunt with me to put him through his paces. Competent though a bit overkill. I think that's endemic to krogan. I remember how I was when first given my implant—I didn't know my own strength. I must have dislocated my shoulder a couple times when I tried a biotic throw and miscalculated. Biotic training had improved by my time. No one I knew broke their bones like you described. Did I tell you they replaced my implant? I'm now a L5. Did I miss the L4 implant? If I didn't know better, I'd say Grunt has his first crush on Jack. He likes how destructive she is. Better not bring him with me when a lighter touch is needed. Solus and Taylor are my best bets in that kind of situation.

Solus is making progress on the counter-measures. Received a message from Captain Kirrahe saying Mordin contacted him. Ah, here it is. "Glad you're alive. Hoped rumors of death were exaggerated. If Virmire couldn't kill you, I doubt much could. Got word from Mordin that he's active again with you. He requested some classified data to help with countermeasures for stasis field used in the human colony attacks. I worked with him on Special Tasks Group. He's a good agent. Nervy for a tech. Bit of a cloaca, though. I didn't get permission to investigate attacks on your human colonies, but I'm asking around anyway. If I find anything useful, I'll send it your way. Hold the line, Kirrahe." Had to look up cloaca—turns out he was calling Solus a bit of an ass. Solus said the same thing about him. Some sort of in joke? Kirrahe's high opinion of Solus is reassuring. I have to trust Solus will develop a countermeasure or this mission is sunk. Why does it surprise me that a lone STG officer is making more of an effort than the entire Alliance and the entire Council? I really should know better than that.

Remember Kirrahe's "Hold the Line" speech? It was about unknown salarian heroes whose actions are unknown to the galaxy. Classified at the highest levels. Some days I wish my deeds were still like that. I wish I could just retire and disappear on some nameless colony, not have my image used as a recruiting tool until it was more of a hindrance than a help. Is that how they thank us for saving their asses? I can't go back to Mindoir—my face is on their colonial seal. I doubt I could walk around without people recognizing me. Think shaving my head would help? I doubt it, too. I guess it's true, you can't go home again.

How is it I'm working for a covert organization but so many people have my address. First it's Emily Wong, then Solus' assistant and now Dr. Michel. She tells me that Garrus disappeared and she can't get in touch with him. She hopes he's with me. Small world, so do I. Anyone from the _Normandy _would let me sleep easier at night. Even Admiral Hackett left a message with the location of the _Normandy's _remains. He wants me to go and put up a monument and find the dog tags of some of the lower decks personnel. I know I should go, that their families deserve the mementos, but it's too hard. I can't do it. If they can find out how to contact me, why haven't you?

I should return to Omega to recruit Archangel, but I can't bring myself to go. I'm still trying to wash the stink of the place off me. I need to increase our mineral reserves so I can upgrade the _Normandy_. That's my reason and I'm sticking to it. Lawson found an Argus Advanced Mineral Scanner, while Taylor got plans for Silaris heavy ship armor from his connections in the Alliance. Grunt, Solus and Jack need minerals to upgrade their personal equipment. I need even more minerals to upgrade everyone's equipment. I bought schematics to incorporate phasic jacketing into the M-4 Shuriken. It should help with enemies with kinetic shields. Most likely, when we go investigate to find supplies, we'll find someone needing our help or something else of interest. It happens without fail.

Beyond that, I still have to deliver on my promises to Goto and Massani. It's a miracle I find the time for writing you.

Moira

-/-

Author's note: The letter from Kirrahe was cut from the final game for some reason. I found it on the mass effect community on livejournal, message # 877028.


	7. Bekenstein

Video message recorded 1257 on _Normandy SR-2_

Date: xx/xx/2185

Talk on the _Normandy_ has shifted from Gardner's cooking to Ferris Fields. Another colony's gone silent. I wonder if I had done something, anything different, the colony would still be here. Even worse, Crewman Hadley's brother was stationed on the colony. No one will say he's dead. The crew is convinced Lawson and I will save the colonists. It seems these doubts don't leave my quarters where the rest of the crew can see them. What will happen when the next colony goes silent, Kaidan? Will they believe in me then or will I have a mutiny on my hands?

I've been listening to the crew and am beginning to see another side Cerberus. They take care of their own. One crewman's family is on New Canton and Cerberus is evacuating them to Earth. Lawson gave her personal word it would be done to him. Most of the crew seems to be here because the Alliance and Council are doing nothing. Taylor is even oddly optimistic about it. If Cerberus saves the colonies from the Collectors, perhaps people will forget the rest of what they've done. He's realistic about the chances of that happening.

I don't have to go far out of my way to find trouble. We stumbled onto the remains of a ship to find the mechs shooting anything that moved. EDI analyzed the ship's logs and we backtrack to Jarrahe station. We were greeted by bodies, killed by a paranoid VI. VIs seem to develop self defense capabilities frequently—maybe we should rethink how we interact with them. Maybe the quarians would still be on their homeworld if they talked to the geth instead of shutting them down. But if there was no quarian Pilgrimage, Tali would not have gotten that memory core… Enough digressing, Moira. Using information found on the station we shut down a Hahne Kedar assembly line. The mechs from the factory had bad obedience processors which infected other mechs. A royal mess left for me to clean up. The worst part? Hahne Kedar knew the mechs put Jarrahe Station at risk and only made a token effort to warn them. Oh, and Jarrahe Station's VI tried to upload itself to the _Normandy_. EDI doesn't seem to have been affected. Nothing's allowed to hurt my ship. I already had to confiscate a solder gun from Joker.

It took lots of planning on Kasumi's part, but we got her partner's greybox back. First we infiltrated a party hosted by Donovan Hock, arms dealer to the stars. You'd love the dress she picked out for me. Black leather, sexy without showing too much. She obviously didn't ask Joker for advice, thank god. Easy to move in. Still, it was nice getting my armor back from the statue of Saren. Kasumi decided in my role as Alison Gunn, mercenary captain, my tribute to Hock would be a gold statue of our favorite turian husk to hide our equipment. I'm A. Gunn, get it? Got a bit of intel about Archangel—he seems to be bad for business. Good for him. Another bit of gossip was the possibility I'm alive. None of them wanted to believe it. No one recognized me. Maybe it was dress. Who expects to see a larger than life soldier in anything other than armor or a uniform?

After a bit of stealth work, we opened his vault. I had a ball looking through Hock's quarters. Even found a spare cred in a couch cushion. Felt odd, almost naked, when we defended ourselves from the Eclipse mercs. I'm just not used to wearing a dress. The fact my better omni-tool is integrated into my armor left me with my back-up. It's not optimized for combat, but did the job. I was more worried about the tech armor and kinetic shield. Most women wear lacy lingerie under a dress—not me. I wear an abbreviated version of the standard armor lining. I assume that was another of Kasumi's touches. If so, she should market it to one of the corporations—they'd make a killing selling it to bodyguards. I just wish they could fit more batteries on the thing.

Kasumi wanted to leave with half of Hock's collection. Liara would have liked some of the things we saw like stone tablets with what Kasumi identified as old quarian script. Think the tablets contained the quarian ten commandments? We blasted our way out—it was fun. I got to try my skills against a couple asari vanguards. They weren't much to write home about—probably why they're working for a mercenary company instead of for a Matriarch, right? Pretty routine stuff until we got out to where the Kodiak could extract us. Hock shows up in a gunship. We worked our way closer to the extraction point, where Kasumi could disengage the gunship's shields. When she jumped onto the ship, words can't describe it. Have you ever seen circus trapeze artists? You must have, growing up in the United North American States. It was like that, but add an acrobat and one of those lizards that can walk up the side of a tree as easily as I can walk up a flight of stairs. Either way, it was mesmerizing. I could never do that, even if I lived as long as an asari. Once we finished off Hock, back to the _Normandy._

Moira


	8. Zorya

[Video message recorded 1428 on _Normandy SR-2_]_  
_[Date: xx/xx/2185]

I am furious at Massani. He was willing to sacrifice refinery workers so he could kill his enemy. The man shot him in the head at point blank range twenty years ago, but that doesn't excuse Massani's behavior. He ignored my orders and endangered the refinery workers for revenge. He may have a reputation as a mercenary who gets results, but he's no soldier. I'll take the greenest private over him any day. At least the private won't set a building of innocents on fire just to make things easier. He's been working solo for far too long.

Why did he set the refinery on fire? I know you're asking that question. He wanted to get into the refinery faster to get to Santiago. If I get that hell bent on revenge, stop me. I don't care how you do it, just stop me. I never want to be the one who sacrifices innocents for my own ends. The workers were just normal people, the ones we signed on to protect. They did nothing wrong. I don't care if they're ultimately working for the Blue Suns, they never did anything to harm me. They're just doing what it takes to survive, to care for themselves and their families. It doesn't matter Zorya isn't in Alliance or Citadel space, these people are why I accepted the Council's offer of being a Spectre. I don't know, maybe your reasons are different from mine; they probably are.

We saved the refinery workers but Santiago got away. Massani blames me for it. I don't care. It's not my problem. He'll have other opportunities later. I should have just left him on Zorya. When the beam pinned him, Solus and I should have just left him there. I didn't—I'm not that kind of person. Massani promised to follow my orders, but I can't trust him at my back. He's staying on the _Normandy_, though. To have him pull his weight, I've put him to work training the rest of the crew. Pleased Joker to no end when I told him he's to get his ass out of his seat for target practice with Massani. It seems Joker hasn't held a weapon since Basic. Come to think of it, he probably didn't go through Basic like we did between the bones and transferring from the merchant marine.

While we were in the cluster, we headed out to Zeona to investigate the missing _MSV Rosalie_ based on a tip from Cerberus' Project Firewalker. The ship was carrying two Cerberus scientists and a prototype successor to the Mako. We recovered the prototype and the research data. The prototype, the M-44 Hammerhead, is beautiful. It floats over the ground like twentieth century Harrier jets. The ride is smoother than the Mako but sometimes my stomach drops out when the Hammerhead jumps over a chasm. Grunt's only complaint was there wasn't anything to shoot.

I think one of the scientists on Project Firewalker is our friend Manuel, the scientist from Eden Prime. Just a suspicion, mind you. Someone from Project Firewalker described the scientist, Dr. Manuel Cayce, as unstable but "he's proven to be a brilliant and dedicated scientist" in a message. Same first name and the same description. Coincidence? Anyway, Cerberus decoded the research data and gave us three new locations to investigate. It has to wait; the _Normandy_ is already headed back to Omega.

I received two messages from people we met. Han Olar, the volus scientist from Noveria, seemed more out of touch with reality than before, if that's even possible. The more worrisome message is the one from Talitha, the Mindoir colonist. She writes that the people caring for her, my people, gave her my address, but I can't tell if those people are the Alliance or Cerberus. If it's Cerberus, will the Illusive Man use her to manipulate me into following their agenda?

Moira

[File saved to Moira Shepard's personal files, encrypted, key Shepard-Alpha-Alpha-Hotel-Nine-Victor. Voiceprint authorization required for retrieval.]


	9. Archangel

[Video message recorded 0327 on _Normandy SR-2_]_  
_[Date: xx/xx/2185]

* * *

Kaidan,

Cerberus couldn't find Garrus because he was on Omega. Remember how I told you about Archangel? The thorn in the side of every group on Omega was no other than our own Garrus Vakarian. After the loss of the _Normandy_, he briefly returned to C-Sec before being disgusted by the red tape. He decided to single-handedly wipe out all wrong doing on Omega. I would have suggested a widespread neutron purge, but that's just me. I know, I know. There are plenty of innocents there. It's just Omega and Cerberus get under your skin and you find yourself thinking in those terms without realizing it. I have to pull myself up short every time I have them. I think I first noticed it when I electrocuted that tech repairing a gunship. I did it without a second thought. I regret it now, but it seemed the right thing to do at the time. I wish you were there to be my voice of reason.

I don't know how he did it, but he managed to personally piss off every leader of the three main mercenary groups on the station. He's got a definite talent. Maybe I should aim him at the Illusive Man.

You might not recognize Garrus. The past two years have been hard on him, so hard. I can't imagine what it's been like for you. I know you loved me, even if I didn't let you say the words. Would the past two years have been easier or harder for you if you said them to me?

Back to Garrus. In our last exchange with the mercs, he took a rocket to the face but Lawson and Chakwas were able to work miracles with cybernetics and he's already up and about, putting on a brave face. Tough bastard. "Some women like scars," he joked. "Most of those women are krogan." I hope he didn't say that for my sake. I'd almost prefer if he was angry, bitter about it.

Ran Jack through her paces on the mission. She has power and lots of it but she lacks your control and finesse. Maybe she can work with Taylor to refine her talents.

I agree with Lawson about Omega. She said that she needs a shower in addition to decon to feel clean after leaving the station. She's wrong—multiple showers are needed. I still don't feel clean.

I should probably answer the Illusive Man now. I've kept him waiting this long because I need to show him I'm not his trained dog, coming obediently to his call. I'm not his pet soldier.

Stay safe, Kaidan. I want to see you when this is all over.

Moira

* * *

[File saved to Moira Shepard's personal files, encrypted, key Shepard-Alpha-Alpha-Hotel-Nine-Victor. Voiceprint authorization required for retrieval.]


	10. Horizon

[Video message recorded 1829 on _Normandy SR-2_]_  
_[Date: xx/xx/2185]

Damn you and the horse you rode in on, Kaidan! What did I do to deserve that? You tell that mechanic how great I am and as soon as he leaves, I'm suddenly a traitor! Why the sudden about face? Should I be glad you didn't call me a traitor in front of someone inclined to hate everything I stand for as an Alliance officer? Remember when you said "Yeah, hell of a thing. We broke our oath to defend the Alliance so we can keep it." Ever think that is what I've been forced into doing?

Anderson wasn't the only person to stonewall me, you know. The Illusive Man claimed his intelligence didn't have access to your file, but I doubt that. I can understand him losing track of Tali and Garrus—they're not human, after all. He wouldn't let you disappear off his radar. You're too valuable a hold on me to leave to chance. I suspect that Cerberus maneuvered the Alliance to put you on Horizon so he could predict where the Collectors would show up. If I ever find that's true, there's no place in the galaxy he can go to escape my wrath. He probably also kept me away from you so just this would happen. What better way to separate us than to have us do it ourselves?

I would have found you before I did anything if I had a clue where to look for you. Oh, and do you know what hurt the most? You saying I betrayed you. I would never do that. Never. So get off your high horse and trust me.

With each colonist we found in stasis, my heart would leap into my throat in fear that it was you in stasis. When I saw that soldier among the frozen colonists, I think I forgot how to breathe until I saw it wasn't you. It wouldn't be so painful if you were simply my friend, even my best friend. You are that. My voice of sanity. How scared I was for you proved to me that I love you. Hell of a thing, having you almost die to get me to realize. What kind of idiot am I to miss that? Even Joker knew. If things went south on Horizon with you, he was worried how badly I would react. I'm angry but the kind of behavior he feared is unbecoming of an Alliance officer and I have more important things to worry about than my screwed up love life.

Maybe things would have been different if I brought Garrus with me. Maybe he could have talked sense into you. I doubt it, but stranger things have happened. I had to take Mordin with me in case the countermeasure didn't work. How he could fix it at that point, I don't know but it made sense at the time. The man's an amazing scientist who's able to whip up a counter to extremely advanced unknown biotech in such a short time. He's strange but deadly competent. He was excited to test out his countermeasure in person. Most scientists I imagine would prefer to stay in their labs, safe from harm. Liara didn't enjoy having geth and krogan shooting at her on Therum. Either he's an adrenaline junkie or insane, I can't decide which. I suspect there's a reason why he set up a clinic in a warzone and I don't think it's just a self imposed challenge to see how much he could do with limited resources. He could do that without putting his life on the line.

Lawson was with me because I wanted versatility in my squad. I had no idea of the capabilities of the Collectors and had to be prepared for anything. Other than myself, she's the only one on my current team who can defeat armor, kinetic shields and biotic barriers. I'm considering having her on my ground team whenever we leave the _Normandy_ because she can handle anything thrown at us. Come to think of it, she's starting to fill the role you held on the old _Normandy_. You were learning how to use your biotics in a warp on the _Normandy_. I was teaching you, since it was a technique human biotics learned once we started working with the asari. You were beginning to show some mastery of it before the attack. Did you get it to work consistently in the past two years? I'm curious.

We encountered husks on Horizon, ones more advanced than the ones we saw two years ago. Makes a sort of sense—the Reapers have had time to refine their work. Researching the different races to make things like husks is probably why the Collectors bargained for people. Will we see asari or krogan husks later? We found another two varieties of husks. One looked like two husks melded together and reddish instead of blue and could wield basic biotics. They threw Jack's shockwave at us. Lawson called them scions, so it seems Cerberus was aware of them. She also had a name for the other variety of husk, the praetorian. That praetorian will haunt my nightmares. A bunch of husks, fused together, flying and shooting lasers out of their eyes. It's like a choir of the damned. As if I don't have enough nightmares already. The worst one right now is I failed to save Horizon because I kept the Illusive Man waiting so I didn't get to Horizon in time. You always wonder if you could have saved one more life if you were faster, if you were better. The other nightmare is what the Collectors want the colonists for. It can't be good. I'm scared that killing them myself would have been kinder than what the Collectors and Reapers have in store for them.

Speaking of the Reapers, we saw Collectors get possessed by _something_ uncannily like when Saren was dead and Sovereign controlled his body through the implants. I've been calling those Collectors "Harbinger" because they like to taunt me they are "the harbinger of your destruction." Funny, since I was the harbinger of their destruction. Another favorite line of theirs was "This will hurt you, Shepard, more than it hurts me." I doubt that, not after Mordin burnt one to a crisp and my biotics turned another into mush. Do you think the harbingers are just mouthpieces for a single Reaper?

The Illusive Man gave me three more dossiers to look over and warned me everyone needs to be committed to the mission. Of course I know we need to be committed and Kelly's reminders for me to speak to Lawson and Taylor are just proof of that. I predict I'll be learning everyone's deepest, darkest secrets. Maybe Joker's is that he's having a hot, steamy affair with Dr. Chakwas?

Back to the dossiers: one is for Tali. She's on a former quarian colony, doing some sort of research. Wouldn't surprise me if that was the obligation she was referring to when we met on Freedom's Progress. I just hope she got some smarter subordinates in the mean time. Or at least some more tolerant ones. I'm not worried about her—she can take care of herself, after all. The other two individuals can, too. One's an asari justicar. EDI doesn't have much about justicars on record, only that they obey a strict code of honor. I have to hope her ethics don't have an impact on the mission. The other dossier is for a drell assassin and there's even less information for me to go on. All I know is I've never met a drell and they are somehow associated with the hanar.

I've given orders to stop at Illium. Going to load up on supplies and any new tech I can find before finding Tali. The Illusive Man claims Liara's some sort of information broker so can probably point me in the direction of the assassin and justicar. Something doesn't add up. First Liara was possibly working for the Shadow Broker so I was warned away from her, but now? I just got a message telling me Cerberus found information about the Shadow Broker to share with her. There's something wrong with the picture I was being fed and I'm tired of it. If I take anything the Illusive Man tells me and assume the truth is the opposite, I'd probably be closer to reality.

Kaidan, be careful. Even if you hate me, you remind me why I'm doing this. When I'm about to do something questionable, it's your voice in my head that brings me to my senses. Don't die on me since I owe you an ass kicking after what you said to me.

Moira.

[File saved to Moira Shepard's personal files, encrypted, key Shepard-Alpha-Alpha-Hotel-Nine-Victor. Voiceprint authorization required for retrieval.]


	11. The Quarian

[Video message recorded 0305 on _Normandy SR-2_]_  
_[Date: xx/xx/2185]

I'm supposedly dead and yet people still recognize me. Nothing quite like walking around Nos Astra and hearing a familiar voice say, "Holy crap Shepard, I thought you were dead." Can't place the voice. Then there's an asari who seems to know me and I hear Conrad Verner's up to his old tricks. I'll probably have to clean up whatever mess he made, probably in my name. I miss the days of being anonymous.

The first of this new round of recruiting was to pick up Tali. Cerberus tracked her to Haestrom, an old quarian colony. Couple problems with the place. Since it's a former quarian colony, it's now firmly in geth territory. Nothing unexpected—the ground team can deal with flashlight heads without breaking a sweat. On top of that, the system's sun has gone haywire so it messes with shields. Fun little tactical problem on the order of managing weapon heat dissipation before thermal clips. Stay out in the sun too long and bye-bye shields. No place I'd suggest visiting for shore leave.

Lots of geth, just as you'd expect. If you didn't expect that, you aren't the officer I remember, Kaidan. Lawson and I would make short work of the geth shields and set Grunt loose on them. The krogan was, hmm..., dismayed by the effect of the sun on shields. I thought it a good exercise for him in adaptation to circumstances and how fights aren't always "honorable" or the like. He did well, especially when he saw how useful his incendiary ammo was against geth primes. If you ever meet him, don't tell him Lawson and I held back on warps for his sake. Lawson and I have settled into an uneasy rapport. I can trust her to watch my back in a fight and she's a competent XO, even if I worry about her loyalties.

Tali left recordings behind, sharing her thoughts as she explored the ruins and dealt with the radiation frying everything. Repeatedly she talked about me, citing experiences with me such as the mining laser on Therum or how she wished I was there to see this with her. I'm wondering if she's basing herself on me too much. Well, that's something to worry about at a later date. Enough to worry about now.

On our way to reach Tali, we got the help of a quarian marine by the name of Kal'Reegar. A good soldier, able to fight though his suit was compromised and he was "swimming in antibiotics." He just needs to learn to trust his fellow soldiers to get the job done and not go out of his way to sacrifice himself. Damned martyr complex. He also seems to have a crush on Tali though I doubt he'd admit it to anyone. Maybe I'll encourage her to keep in touch with him. I wish we had more time with him. I'd love to talk shop with him and get the quarian slant on being a marine. They probably have some insights I could use.

Tali's settling in nicely in engineering. She already loves the new _Normandy_, almost as much as Joker. She's leery of Cerberus, but who with two brain cells to rub together isn't? I'll take her up on the offer of a grenade when we're finished with this. She misses Adams, but Ken and Gabby are skilled engineers though they lack Tali's genius. I miss Adams too, but life is what it is, right?

I'm not sure if I want to tell anyone about this new biotic skill I've known since I woke up. In all I know about human biotics, it's unheard of. Remember how Tali can hack geth and other synthetics and get them to attack each other? I can do the same thing with my biotics, but on organic targets. While the soldier in me likes setting mercs against each other, the human in me cringes at taking away their free will. Does this ability make me a monster? Does it make you think less of me? Is it fair to write it off as another tool to do my job? Will it get me called on the carpet? It's the kind of thing that keeps a person up at night. I wish there were more easy answers in life, but what kind of life would it be with nothing but easy answers?

Moira

[File saved to Moira Shepard's personal files, encrypted, key Shepard-Alpha-Alpha-Hotel-Nine-Victor. Voiceprint authorization required for retrieval.]

###

_Author's Note: I apologize for the delay to all 5 of my readers. Depression sucks. 'Nuff said._


End file.
